Ask Wenlock, the Olympic Mascot

Please welcome our special guest advice columnist, Wenlock…

Wenlock is the product of a freak accident in which a brain slug dislodged itself from Abe Foxman’s head, fell into the multicult melting pot, and emerged as a molten metallic monstrosity hellbent on enforcing his politically correct globalist agenda. In addition to writing this advice column, he’s also a trusted adviser to many of America’s most beloved politicians and financiers, and has volunteered to be a mascot for Great Britain’s 2012 Summer Olympic games.

Dear Wenlock,

I love playing tennis, and dream of winning the gold on America’s olympic tennis team when I grow up. The problem is that I’m having trouble practicing because these Mexicans who hang around the tennis court keep making inappropriate sexual remarks at me and trying to get me to “cruise” with them.

I asked my dad to help, but he just forbade me to leave the apartment and mumbled something about how “the Mexicans are taking over.” I’ve also asked him if we could move somewhere where it’s safe for me to leave the house and he grumbled that “they’re everywhere” and that he won’t move because he can’t afford to lose his job.

I’m never even going to make the team if I can’t practice! What should I do!?

Sincerely,
Tara the Tennis Tween

Dear Tennis Tween,

Great news! I called your dad’s employer and asked them how they felt about his attitude toward the Latino people. They were very disappointed to learn that he was a racist and made the right decision. Now your family can live anywhere you want…except for the apartment you’re all going to be evicted from, of course.

You’ve been brainwashed by a White Privilege social construct which is prejudiced against grown men who hit on children. You owe these oppressed immigrants for the centuries of colonialism, exploitation, and racism that you people have victimized them with. And you have the nerve to turn things around and act like YOU’RE the victim! Go cruising with them. Befriend them. Enrich yourself with their diverse customs. Stop allowing your dad’s sexist Christian attitudes about what you should do with YOUR body stop you from having fun!

– Wenlock

Dear Wenlock,

I watched China’s Olympic ceremony back in 2008. Its dazzling choreography and majestic imagery left me speechless. England’s pathetic fiasco of foreigners, deviants, and gimps making asses of themselves on public transit at their closing ceremony also left me speechless. Should I bother trying to learn Mandarin so I can try to ingratiate myself to our inevitable overlords, or should I just toe off my shotgun to save myself the misery of being oppressed by their ruthless regime?

– Coward in Cleveland

Dear Coward,

We’ve already weakened our host to the point that it’s defenseless against the invasion of a rag-tag bunch of third world laborers. We’ve also blown your massive investment in military infrastructure on an elaborate scam which has left you with nothing but a huge pile of useless doomsday contraptions and a politically correct government bureaucracy with a stricter dress code. You guys can’t even defeat Somalians and you barely even have any industrial infrastructure left to convert into munition and supply factories. Oh, guess who made a quick buck by selling it all to China? Cha-ching!

But don’t worry about being militarily invaded. That’s old school. When the Chinese take over, you won’t even notice it. Your new government will retain a superficial continuity with the old one and they’ll rule you with middle-men who look a lot like you guys. They’ll bleed you dry with financial instruments and anesthetize you with sitcoms, tabloid “news”, and celebrity wardrobe malfunctions. You’ll be trapped in the soul-sucking hamster wheel of modernity, dutifully racing in place without getting anywhere until you die.

So, what I’m really saying is that nothing will change from how it is now. Don’t sweat it.

– Wenlock