Ask Wenlock, the Olympic Mascot

Wenlock Lipschitz
Wenlock Lipschitz

Please welcome our special guest advice columnist, Wenlock…

Wenlock is the product of a freak accident in which a brain slug dislodged itself from Abe Foxman’s head, fell into the multicult melting pot, and emerged as a molten metallic monstrosity hellbent on enforcing his politically correct globalist agenda. In addition to writing this advice column, he’s also a trusted adviser to many of America’s most beloved politicians and financiers, and has volunteered to be a mascot for Great Britain’s 2012 Summer Olympic games.

Dear Wenlock,

I love playing tennis, and dream of winning the gold on America’s olympic tennis team when I grow up. The problem is that I’m having trouble practicing because these Mexicans who hang around the tennis court keep making inappropriate sexual remarks at me and trying to get me to “cruise” with them.

I asked my dad to help, but he just forbade me to leave the apartment and mumbled something about how “the Mexicans are taking over.” I’ve also asked him if we could move somewhere where it’s safe for me to leave the house and he grumbled that “they’re everywhere” and that he won’t move because he can’t afford to lose his job.

I’m never even going to make the team if I can’t practice! What should I do!?

Tara the Tennis Tween

Dear Tennis Tween,

Great news! I called your dad’s employer and asked them how they felt about his attitude toward the Latino people. They were very disappointed to learn that he was a racist and made the right decision. Now your family can live anywhere you want…except for the apartment you’re all going to be evicted from, of course.

You’ve been brainwashed by a White Privilege social construct which is prejudiced against grown men who hit on children. You owe these oppressed immigrants for the centuries of colonialism, exploitation, and racism that you people have victimized them with. And you have the nerve to turn things around and act like YOU’RE the victim! Go cruising with them. Befriend them. Enrich yourself with their diverse customs. Stop allowing your dad’s sexist Christian attitudes about what you should do with YOUR body stop you from having fun!

– Wenlock

Dear Wenlock,

I watched China’s Olympic ceremony back in 2008. Its dazzling choreography and majestic imagery left me speechless. England’s pathetic fiasco of foreigners, deviants, and gimps making asses of themselves on public transit at their closing ceremony also left me speechless. Should I bother trying to learn Mandarin so I can try to ingratiate myself to our inevitable overlords, or should I just toe off my shotgun to save myself the misery of being oppressed by their ruthless regime?

– Coward in Cleveland

Dear Coward,

We’ve already weakened our host to the point that it’s defenseless against the invasion of a rag-tag bunch of third world laborers. We’ve also blown your massive investment in military infrastructure on an elaborate scam which has left you with nothing but a huge pile of useless doomsday contraptions and a politically correct government bureaucracy with a stricter dress code. You guys can’t even defeat Somalians and you barely even have any industrial infrastructure left to convert into munition and supply factories. Oh, guess who made a quick buck by selling it all to China? Cha-ching!

But don’t worry about being militarily invaded. That’s old school. When the Chinese take over, you won’t even notice it. Your new government will retain a superficial continuity with the old one and they’ll rule you with middle-men who look a lot like you guys. They’ll bleed you dry with financial instruments and anesthetize you with sitcoms, tabloid “news”, and celebrity wardrobe malfunctions. You’ll be trapped in the soul-sucking hamster wheel of modernity, dutifully racing in place without getting anywhere until you die.

So, what I’m really saying is that nothing will change from how it is now. Don’t sweat it.

– Wenlock

About Matt Parrott 98 Articles
Matt Parrott is a low IQ wignat LARPing costume clown.


  1. I asked my dad to help, but he just forbade me to leave the apartment and mumbled something about how “the Mexicans are taking over.” I’ve also asked him if we could move somewhere where it’s safe for me to leave the house and he grumbled that “they’re everywhere” and that he won’t move because he can’t afford to lose his job.

    Bob Whitaker took a brave stand when he called the “Greatest Generation” the idiot generation – White men who said “yes sir” and “no sir” and threw their bodies on the meat grinder of World War I and World War II, for some globalist, nutjob ideological fantasy dreamed up by Jews.

    Look at the GOP establishment – not the globalist wealthy class that runs everything, but their local enforcement – the local McCain delegates that pushed out the Ron Paul people, and it’s a bunch of hired hands that spend their time watching 1960s documentaries about Dick Nixon and the Moon Buggies, and how we should fight the ragheads or the norks because they’ll get us anyday now, like on 911. This is one step above Pat Robertson selling miracle water to ward off witches. It’s one thing when the old ladies buy it – but the men? The troops? Some whore pastor tells them America is supposed to fight for “Israel” and they literally send 18-21 year old young White people to get blown up by IEDs for Kikeistan?

    Not just young White men – you send WOMEN to die for the Jews! Young women you don’t even had kids yet, in the prime of their fertility? WTF?

    Because of 911. Because the TV showed the building collapsing and said Bin Laden did it. And everyone – everyone – believed it. And if you dared say otherwise, they threatened to kill you.

    Signed, Whigger Intellektual.

  2. What IS Wenlock? The mascot website is frightening. I thought the 2012 logo was bad when I first saw that…

    As bad as Wenlock is I sure hope we get some more of these pieces in before 2012. I’m pretty sure Wenlock has some more mileage left in him and this was a fun read.

  3. I think this comment that I found on The Telegraph says it all:

    ““This Blessed Plot”

    This royal throne of kings, this sceptred isle,
    This earth of majesty, this seat of Mars,
    This other Eden, demi-paradise,
    This fortress built by Nature for herself
    Against infection and the hand of war,
    This happy breed of men, this little world,
    This precious stone set in the silver sea,
    Which serves it in the office of a wall
    Or as a moat defensive to a house,
    Against the envy of less happier lands, –
    This blessed plot, this earth, this realm, this England.

    William Shakespeare (1564 – 1616), “King Richard II”, Act 2 scene 1

    and they give you Brits this unadulterated CRAP. Take back your country from the GREED ELITES.

    The mascot should be a dignified
    British lion, a no-brainer from the beginning, but the London Olympics are so tainted now, I suggest a massive boycott of the whole pile of rubbish.”

  4. Even as a child I instinctively disliked the Olympics. I could never buy into all the big happy clappy nonsense.

    I still hope we can get rid of it before 2012, under the guise of saving money maybe.

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