Hundreds of law enforcement agents from the Knoxville area united to stage a successful Police Rally in downtown Knoxville on Saturday, putting on a show of force and collecting overtime pay as well. A few hundred members of the Knoxville City Police were joined by hundreds more from the Tennessee Highway Patrol, Knox County Sheriff’s Department, and the FBI. Members of the Knoxville Fire Department also joined the police rally, stating that they were “not about to let the cops collect all the overtime” without getting their share of the pie.
Planning for the police rally began with a march announcement by the ‘National Socialist Movement.’ A significant portion of their membership consists undercover agents of the above mentioned law enforcement groups, as well as the ATF, ADL, and SPLC. The NSM then acted as bait to draw out proclamations of violent opposition from an assortment of extreme left-wing characters, creating the impetus for the Police Rally.
Police arrested a pair of Wisconsin men on weapons charges with unclear connections to either side shortly before the rally began, and later arrested a hipster who snuck onto the nazi side of the rally on charges of Confusing a Law Enforcement Officer.
Knoxville Police used the Rally to show off some of their new high end equipment, which was purchased with the assistance of anti-terrorism funding. “I don’t see why New York and Washington D.C. should get the lion’s share of anti-terrorism funding,” said officer Darren McClosky, “when we obviously need it here too” as his armored personnel carrier trailed along behind marcher Andy Galloway, an unemployed alcoholic who lives in a rural area northeast of Knoxville. “He’s as dangerous as Al-Quada, the CIA is literally crapping their pants more over what this fellow might do.” McClosky also suggested that a refrigerated evidence locker should be installed in the vehicle, which could also double as storage for ice cream bars.
Police helicopter pilot Matt Carruthers was enjoying the day. “It’s a nice clear, sunny day, just a great day to be out flying” he said as he circled above the rally, keeping a close eye on sunbathers in a nearby park. “Sure beats National Guard duty in Afghanistan.”
Police also got a chance to test some of their new lightweight aluminum barricades on the assembled crowd. “We want to make sure these work before we take them to concerts and sporting events,” said police spokesman Sam Edwards “so here we are testing them out on people nobody will miss if there’s a stampede.”
An FBI agent who was working undercover as part of the nazi marchers refused to give his name but spoke briefly to reporters. He proudly showed off his helmet, black clothing and boots that were part of his NSM uniform. “I might not be able to collect overtime today like all the uniformed officers, but I can put this stuff to good use in my Star Wars reenactment group” he said.
Law enforcement officials were mum on any plans for future police rallies. “We all need our overtime, sure, but we don’t want to push it” said K-9 officer Mike Ricketts.
There were so many more cops than Nazis.
But of course once you added in all the fairly hot young females in the Counter-Protest, you can see why a strong police presence was needed.
Hard to keep those hellcats under control once they start clawing.
LOL! This is really terrific satire!
The event, I mean. As well as this little piece…
Onion-worthy!
Ouch!
LOL